“Garcon!” (snap snap)
(sigh of the long-suffering) “Yes, sir? May I help you with something? The bill, perhaps, as you’ve graced us with your presence for over four hours now?”
“When I haven’t had dessert yet? Of course not!”
“You mean the ice cream you had me return to the freezer two hours ago? If you are now ready to partake in Chef’s culinary genius, I can fetch it for you again–”
“Heavens, no! But that is what I called you over her for.” (rustling papers) “It seems Chef’s ‘culinary genius’ is sadly lacking in potassium.” (more rustling) “And the saturated fat–eegads! It’s as if Chef wants to murder his patrons through cardiovascular disease! Just look at these numbers! They’re horrid!” (shoves papers in waiter’s face) “HORRID!”
(pause) “Sir, several things come to mind. First, you mean to tell me you have the nutritional analysis of Chef’s famed and acclaimed salted caramel ice cream?”
“Yes. The expedited lab service, with add-on courier service, costs a pretty penny. But for health-conscious individuals such as myself, there is no cost too high.”
(pause redux) “So you had me bring out the ice cream so you could have a sample sent to a lab and analyzed for its nutritional content. And you had the remainder sent away because you wanted your analysis before eating it.”
“Can’t be too careful, I say. But really, I wanted to know about the potassium levels, as I mentioned. Been having some leg cramps. However, it seems my foresight was justified. I would not have wanted to sully the purity of my body with so much artery-clogging goo.”
(exasperated) “You do realize, Sir, that you ordered ice cream.”
“I have leg cramps, not short-term memory loss.”
(resisting urge to remove patron’s toupee and stomp on it repeatedly) “Then surely you also know that when people eat ice cream, in general they are not trying to increase their potassium intake. And the saturated fat of ice cream comes with the territory. You seem to be under the impression that Chef’s celebrated salted caramel ice cream has the same nutritional value as a frozen banana. This is not possible. I have no idea how one would go about turning churned cream into a banana. They’re entirely different food groups. It seems it would require extreme chemical manipulation. Or Jesus to switch from water and wine to dairy and fruit. You would be better off with a frozen banana that has been pureed into ice cream–like consistency.”
(brightens, then claps once) “Then that, Garcon, is what I shall have! Bring me a pureed frozen banana!”
(fingers twitching in direction of toupee) “Sir, I remind you that the name of our restaurant is Local Fare. Meaning, our menu is created purely from locally sourced foods and ingredients.”
“I don’t see what that has to do with my wanting a pureed frozen banana.”
“We’re in Pennsylvania.”
“Bananas don’t grow in Pennsylvania.”
“So we don’t have any bananas.”
“Not even frozen ones?”
(pause) “What sort of restaurant is this? It’s as if your Chef wants me to suffer debilitating leg spasms!”
(cries of shock and surprise from other patrons as a certain toupee is stabbed repeatedly with a steak knife while its stabber growls and snarls incoherently)
(above the din) “I have never been so poorly treated at a restaurant. Prepare, Garcon, for my scathing review on Yelp!”
|Banana “Ice Cream” with Not-Quite-So-Bad-For-You Caramel Sauce||
- 480-600g (4-5 medium) peeled banana, cut into chunks
- 190g (1 c) sugar
- 28g (2 tbs) water
- 21g (1 tbs) agave nectar*
- 84g (6 tbs) unsalted butter, cut into chunks
- 113g (1/2c) almond-coconut milk**, ideally at room temperature
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1 tsp flaky salt, or to taste
- Freeze the banana chunks on a cookie sheet in a single layer for 8 hours or overnight.
- While the banana is freezing, prepare the caramel sauce.
- Put the sugar, water, and agave nectar in a large heavy-bottomed pot over medium-high heat. You can whisk the sugar at first to ensure it heats evenly, but after that, leave it alone.
- Cook mixture until it turns a copper color.
- Over low heat, add the butter. Once it’s all melted, add the almond-coconut milk. Everything will froth up. Keep stirring or else everything will seize on you and you will weep bitter tears. If you’re dramatic.
- Once the frothing is done, add the vanilla extract and the salt. Stir it in. Caramel will be very liquidy. It will thicken as it cools.
- Transfer to a glass jar and store in the refrigerator.
- Remove banana chunks from freezer. Let them thaw for maybe 15 minutes. Or not.
- Place banana chunks in food processor or heavy-duty blender and process until you have nanner goo resembling soft serve.
- Transfer to bowls, and top with caramel.
*Can substitute honey or corn syrup
** I used Blue Diamond; could probably substitute other nondairy beverages