Dear Mom,

I wanted to talk to you about this in person, but every time I said sumthing like “Mom, about the sanwitches you’ve been making me,” your eyes got all big and a little too shiney, and then you’d say something like, “BILLY! Don’t you just LOVE your caramel cashew butter sanwitches?” Then after that, you always start talking about how much you love your food procesur and how amazing it is that “so few simple ingreedents” can “merge together into Nirvana on a knife.” Mom, sometimes you’re just hard to talk to. So I dicided to rite you a letter.

I don’t hate your caramel cashew butter or anything. I meen,  cashews aren’t my favrit nut. But caramel, yeah, I like caramel. Goes good on my ice cream sundays you get me after a game. May bee I’m just in Little Leeg now. But you know that when I get to middle school, I want to continyu with baseball. And if things go good, I’ll be on the team in high school. And if things go REALLY good, then I’ll get a full-ride skalarship to any colij I want, and you and Dad won’t have to worry about paying for it. (You could use that money to buy your favrit son a car. If you want.)

So you see  I have a plan. I don’t think caramel cashew butter sanwitches fit into that plan. It’s not just the other kids at lunch who take out their plain old PB&Js and look funny at the caramel cashew butter oozing out of my sanwitch and asking why it’s that kinda pale color and why there’s no jelly. (Why ISN’T there jelly, Mom? Bicuz of the caramel? I think strawberry would still taste OK. You have to have herd me order caramel sauce and strawberrys on my sundays. I’ve had the same won every week since the seeson started.) Mom, the point is that peanut butter has more protein. I know this bicuz Stewart’s mom is a persunl trainer. What’s more, she’s Stewart’s persunl trainer. And she’s told him all about how peanut butter’s a nice source of protein and how it’s not really a nut but a legoom and that’s why it has more protein than nuts. Like cashews. And she told him and he told me how you need protein to help you grow strong. I need to grow strong for my baseball karer. Do you and Dad WANT to pay the full cost of colij? From what I hear, it’s xpin expin costs a lot.

Mom, we can comprumiz. You can make caramel peanut butter. Stewart’s mom just gets the groshry store kind. That’d be OK to if you wanted to do that. And Stewart’s mom puts all-froot spread on his sanwitches (for ante-oxdents) but I know you may have to work up to that. That’s OK. We can take baby steps. First step: change the nut to a legoom? Pleeze?

Your Loving Son,

Billy

***

Dear Billy,

Thank you for the letter. Tell Ms. Hanson that she needs to take you aside for additional spelling practice.

I am sorry you dislike the caramel cashew butter sandwiches. You do, I think, get plenty of protein from the often meat-based dinners we have, but your concern is duly noted. If squashing my epicurean creativity is all that is preventing you from achieving collegiate glory, then by all means, let us switch to store-bought peanut butter like Stewart. Sure, cave in to peer pressure and culinary nihilism. Drag me down with you. What do I care?

Your Mother,

Mom

P.S. Use the dictionary to look up all the words in my letter that you don’t know. You’ll see that the dictionary also provides proper spellings of words, which I’m sure Ms. Hanson has mentioned to you.

P.P.S. It’s cute that you think Dad and I plan to pay for your college tuition.

P.P.P.S. Love you!