…do you know where your novel is? Mine is located somewhere to the left of my medulla oblonglata.

(Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.)

My novel is post-apocalyptic.

It will not feature ninjas.

It probably will not feature pizza. Unless, perhaps, characters discuss pizza within the context of bygone days, as in Boy, do I sure miss those bygone days when pizza was plentiful and we had electric ovens in which to cook the pizza. Which sounds boring. So no, I do not think my novel will feature pizza.

It will feature zombies (but mind you, this isn’t necessarily a zombie apocalypse).

It may or may not feature gratuitous brain-eating. I can guess, however, that the amount of gratuitous brain-eating would have a direct correlation to my concern over my word count/lack thereof. After all, one of the most common suggestions for getting rid of writer’s block is to describe something in almost excruciating detail.  Brain-eating, IMHO, would trump dappled sunlight on the forest floor or whatever. And if the brains get old, there are many other organs I can move on to. With NaNo, it’s always good to have a back-up plan.

Six days and counting.

Hey there, Hungry Ninja. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you’re hungry, but pizza? Pffft. That’s not ninja food. Because, after all, the origins of the ninja path and the pizza foodstuff do not coincide. They don’t even run parallel. Different continents (more or less). Different hats. And when the ninja masters of yore threw around objects, I’m sure you’d tell me, they were far pointier and deadlier than pizza dough. I agree with you, Hungry Ninja. So I can see where you’d get this idea:

It’s perfectly understandable. But Hungry Ninja, I am here to tell you that contrary to initial judgments, pizza does indeed fit quite well into the ninja lifestyle. Let’s look at how.

Now, the beauty of pizza, Hungry Ninja, is that it lends itself to a myriad of interpretations and toppings. But before we delve into that aspect, let’s discuss another one of pizza’s strengths: it can be prepared in stages, thereby fitting itself quite easily into the busy ninja lifestyle.

First, you will need some pizza dough. Since you are a ninja, this will be easy to acquire. On a day when you are not vanquishing enemies, you might decide to set some time aside to make your own pizza dough, but this is not strictly necessary. Frozen dough is found at many grocery stores. Alternatively, suppose one of your nemeses is a baker. Time your defeat of the baker just right, which of course will be no problem because you are a ninja, and snag up some rising pizza dough as part of your spoils.

Once you have your dough, you will need to let it rise. This may seem like an onerous, time-consuming task, but keep in mind that you do not have to be present. Use the time for further training in your ninja arts, strike fear into and/or disembowel another mortal enemy or three, wash your ninja hood, or get started on the toppings for your pizza. The toppings are where you can really let your ninjahood shine!

Suppose during the dough’s rise, you do indeed venture forth to vent your fury upon an adversary. After you have proven triumphant (which of course you will because you are a ninja), don’t be too quick to dispose of the carcass or display it as a warning to all who would defy you. Instead, take a step back and think, What might go well on my pizza?

Hungry Ninja, I herewith humbly offer a few suggestions.

Drain a bit of your opponent’s blood to use on the pizza either straight or as a tasty reduction sauce. But don’t stop at the blood; if you were able to resist tearing the still-beating heart from your adversary’s chest, instead take it to cut into chunks for your pizza. Likewise, you may do this with the liver, kidney, or brain–

Whoops! Maybe not the brain, unless you a Hungry Zombie Ninja.

Other options, and what’s pictured below, include chicken sausage, fresh mozzarella, green onions, and garlic scapes.*

*Ingredients perhaps more suitable if Mrs. Ninja will also partake

 Now that you have your toppings ready, let’s return to the dough. After its rise, you will need to stretch it out.

Ninja Tactic! For a circular crust more so in the shape of a yin/yang symbol, oil the outside of a bowl, place it on the counter upside-down, and let gravity, which is not your mortal enemy, do the work.

Dough Tactic!

Now’s a good time to preheat your oven, if you haven’t already. You’ll want it at 400 degrees F. (And I know ninjas are probably more likely to use Celsius. But you are a ninja, so you can figure out the conversion.)

Double Ninja Tactic! Use a pizza stone, and store it in your oven. Not only will your oven heat more evenly and provide your pizzas with a crisp crust (because soggy bottoms should have nothing to do with ninjas); it may come in handy if ever under attack in your own home. Say you are cornered in the kitchen. Your enemy does not know that you have a solid disc of stone in your oven. You may use your ninja reflexes to yank open the oven door, remove the stone, and fling it at your nemesis, speedily decapitating him or her. Of course, if the oven has been on the stone will be hot and may perhaps burn you, but you are ninja and so can take it, while doing further harm to your enemy. Win-win for Hungry Ninja, lose-lose for your unwise ninja enemy.

Hot stone ready for use in decapitation or pizza-making!

Your stone should heat, ideally, for around an hour. Then parbake your pizza crust for 6-8 minutes. This will ensure that the crust is baked through and does not have a doughy center after you’ve put on the toppings. Doughy centers should also have nothing to do with ninjas.

So now your crust is parbaked. You may wrap it in plastic and freeze, particularly if there is a certain foe whose heart you feel would make a sublime topping but whom you haven’t gotten around to dispatching yet, busy ninja that you are, or, if you are ready, top it with your ingredients. Turn up your oven’s heat to 450 degrees, and bake until the crust is golden brown and the adversarial blood sauce is bubbling.

Not adversarial blood but still tasty!

And there you have it, Hungry Ninja–pizza! I hope you now see just how easily pizza can work for you. Ingest your enemy’s life force and enjoy!

Disclaimer: This ought to go without saying, but this post is written for entertainment purposes only. I do not advocate using pizza stones to decapitate people, and cannibalism is just icky.

She, and the extensive walking/exercise and obedience training involved in Being a Good Dog Owner, is one of my many excuses for not writing.

Other excuses  include:

• I discovered Dollhouse is on Netflix streaming and am currently going through the episodes.
• I’m also going through Bones on Netflix streaming.
• I’m rereading The Hunger Games and contemplating how I somehow managed to gloss over just how unlikeable Katniss is. I mean, if she were a real person, I’m not entirely sure I’d want to be her friend. But it’s massively impressive on Suzanne Collins’ part that I still like the book.
• Bone-shaking* fear.

*Well, not technically bone shaking. I don’t even quiver, really, at the thought of writing. But it’s been so long since I’ve done it that it’s become vastly intimidating. Here is another picture of my dog to cheer myself up.

…in several rambling steps.

1

Foster a deep love of winter squash, pumpkin in particular, that leads to compulsive purchase of the gourds at grocery stores and farmers market, even though you receive more than enough vegetables through your CSA and will supposedly receive winter squash from the CSA in the near future. Develop collection of the gourds and roast and puree some.

2

Read too many food blogs. Become inspired to do something unusual with the pumpkin puree sitting in your fridge and document the process using your crappy, five-year-old point-and-shoot. Select pumpkin gnocchi because– Well. Actual reasons matter not.

3

Find several pumpkin gnocchi recipes on the Internet. Elect to cobble three of them into your own. Select one to refer to for measurements, but Google around for measurement conversions because it seems everybody still gets out the measuring cups even though they are much less accurate and more work than weighing things using a kitchen scale.

4

Find a weight equivalent that seems fairly accurate. Plop your pumpkin, flour, and egg yolk in a bowl. Realize the Microplane grater you need for the nutmeg is currently in the dishwasher, which is running. Remove grater from dishwasher and give it a cursory dry-off.

5

Decide that “a dash of nutmeg,” as two of the recipes call for, is not enough. Grate your whole nutmeg directly into the bowl until you have a nice little pile. Inhale and enjoy the aroma.

6

Begin mixing the dough together. Realize that it is much too wet. Add flour.

7

Realize the dough is still too wet. Add flour.

8

Suspect that the dough is still too wet. Find more recipes on Internet with pictures detailing what the dough should look like when it’s ready to roll out into logs. Conclude the dough is, indeed, still too wet. Add flour.

9

Develop sinking sense that the pumpkin gnocchi is unlikely to taste of much besides flour. Add more anyway, as the dough is still too wet.

10

Check time. Begin to panic as you have to leave in an hour and the whole making-pumpkin-gnocchi thing is taking longer than you anticipated. Add flour.

11

Spill flour on self. Tell self for the fifth time that self really needs to purchase one of those cute aprons for times such as these.

12

Cheer as the dough finally starts to look cohesive enough to roll into logs on a well-floured surface. Proceed to do so.

13

Cut logs into gnocchi-pieces. Cut corners on shaping by just quickly pressing them with the tines of a fork, rather than the whole pick up and place in palm while gently rolling the tines of a fork across the dumpling’s surface bit.

14

Pause to admire gnocchi and mentally tell them that even though several are misshapen and they all probably taste bad, they are still cute. Even with the strands of pumpkin sticking out of some. Make note that the stick blender is not the way to puree pumpkin for gnocchi-making.

15

Cover in plastic wrap and leave gnocchi in refrigerator while you’re out.

16

Return home three hours later hungry and wondering how you will make the gnocchi palatable. Worry again that gnocchi will taste of nothing but flour. Think of the pumpkin swirl loaf you made yesterday and how, despite the “swirl” bit not coming through, it was probably a better use of the pumpkin puree. Particularly with your inspired addition of cardamom. Remember that you never took a picture of the bread. Do so now, when it’s sliced for freezer storage.

17

Conclude the sauce will be the key in attempting even minor tastiness of the gnocchi. Wish you had the time, and the ingredients, for a sage brown butter sauce, of which several of the Internet recipes include a variation. Settle for thinning out some apple butter with water, tossing in some cinnamon, and heating in a small skillet.

18

Feel dubious about the “sauce’s” unattractive brown color, in addition to still feeling dubious about the gnocchi itself. Prepare salted water to boil gnocchi.

19

Remove gnocchi from fridge. Select several to toss in boiling water. Pray they actually float to the top within a few minutes, as they are supposed to.

20

Watch gnocchi float to top of boiling water. Cheer. Remove from heat and drain. Pour unattractive sauce on top.

21

Eat. Enjoy the flavor of nutmeg (see, it was good to ignore the “pinch of nutmeg” instruction). Think to self that the gnocchi actually isn’t half-bad. Nice mouthfeel. Firm, but with a bit of give. And the apple butter sauce, while a tad sweet, isn’t terrible either.

22

Chalk it up to a semi-success.

What with my near-continuous lack of writing, both in terms of my blog and with fiction, I’ve been doing some writerly soul searching. Mind, the soul searching has been sporadic, a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing and the ones I’ve got not matching up with each other. On the surface, it feels like my well of ideas is running dry–but I believe creativity is exponential, and that it’s also work. I haven’t been putting in the work, ergo the dearth of ideas.

Then when I do get ideas, little snippets will appeal, but the whole–if there is a whole, if the snippets have kindly knit themselves into something resembling An Actual Story–I wind up feeling meh about after a day, two, a week. Part of this could be related to fear–I always become daunted by the enormity of storytelling, of creating good storytelling, when I haven’t written in some time.

And again, the solution is to just write.

Then there’s the time issue. I joined a CSA this year, and while I’m enjoying the challenge of cooking with the seasons and experiencing new foods (kohlrabi! garlic scapes!) the food prep is time-consuming. As is the food preservation prep. I’m also committed to getting in my workouts , as I see them as an investment in my future and, yanno, not dying a premature death (well, outside of car accidents and other things over which I have no control).*

However, I also believe that there is always time for something you truly want to do. It’s a matter of priorities. And truthfully, it’s easier for me now when I’m single and don’t have a family to care for. I could give up, or at least cut down on, Netflix. I could shorten my leisure reading times (sniffle). I could start pawning off ginormous zucchini and extra wax beans on neighbors and coworkers.**

These excuses and negations of excuses are what I call hamster-wheel thoughts, the ones that keep spinning and spinning without ever going anywhere. I know there are no excuses. It’s not a recent revelation. I’ve known it since before “I’m not writing today” turned into “I’m not writing this season, except for the odd blog post or occasional addition to a WIP.” And yet I’m still not writing.

So. Next question. Do I want to stop writing? To be content with cooking and baking and Netflix and workouts and forget writing?

At which my soul, or my muse, or any other writing-related entity you care to envision, let out a wail of despair. Yes, I want to continue writing, and yes, I want to pursue publication, but even if I am not published, I don’t want to give up on it. I love stories too much, and regardless of whether superficially it seems my well of ideas is running dry, I have my own to tell.

Which means I’ve got to get off this Hamster Wheel of Doom. Even if it’s one paw at a time.

*My suspension trainer was one of the best purchases I made this year.†

**Though the selfish part of me cringes at that, because I spent a fair chunk of money on this CSA share, darn it!

†Ahh, footnoted footnotes! How I’ve missed you. I would hug you if you were tangible.

Anyway, I am too lazy to figure out how I made my footnotes smaller in previous posts, so I’m letting these go at the normal size.

… if it isn’t Amanda!

(coughs) Hey, website.

How are you? Seems like it’s been ages since you’ve graced my pages. I’d give you the exact number of months, but having to say it may cause me to have a brain aneurysm.

More likely me than you, seeing as I’m the one with an actual brain. (coughs)

True enough. I’d apologize for all the dust, but we both know that’s not my fault.

Yeah, yeah…

Anyway, so what’ve you been up to, lo, these many months?

Well, there was the move into the townhouse.

Mm-hmm. And as I recall, that was completed about two months ago.

But then there was the unpacking of boxes. And I’m still not done with that.

But you see your floor, right? You’re “done enough” to go shopping on the weekends and whatnot.

To the farmer’s market! I’m buying local! And I joined a CSA, so I have all this food prep to do to keep the food from going to waste.

Didn’t I also hear that you joined Netflix again?

Um, yeah. But I’m only on the one-out-a-time plan!

Oh, of course. And how about that satellite you were thinking you’d cancel as a result of rejoining Netflix?

Er. Still connected.

I see. And Netflix has greatly improved its streaming service since you were last a member. So I’m told.

(coughs)

I think you’ve already cleared away the dust, dear.

But I do much more stuff than watch movies! I’ve been working to improve my posture and mobility. And I bought a Freestyle Suspension Trainer to help with workouts. I mean, I don’t want to reach 60 and be unable to move due to sitting all the time.

Laudable goals, yes. And regarding that bit about sitting all the time–didn’t you have plans to purchase a treadmill and treadmill desk so you could walk while writing?

I’m waiting for my $8000 tax credit to come in.

All right, Amanda, let’s cut to the chase. How’s the writing coming along?

. . .

It’s not coming along, is it? What about Holly Lisle’s How to Think Sideways course that you signed up for as a means to–what was it? Jumpstart you?

(sighs) I’m still getting the lessons, but I’m about six weeks behind now. I think. It might be more. I discovered my pet idea that’s supposedly been percolating in my head since NaNoWriMo ’04 has no plot. Worse, I can’t give it one. Nothing fits. Everything I think of feels wrong. I don’t want to give up on it, website, but I think I need to shelve it again. And it’s not that I don’t have any other ideas to use for Think Sideways, but I just feel, stymied, you know? I mean, it’s a huge blow to one’s–well, my–writerly ego to realize I have problems with plot. I like Stephen King’s concept of Story and all, but I don’t think his method of write write write and let things flow really works for me. I mean, I can do it–I’ve finished NaNo that way–but then I wind up with a series of events that aren’t Story. And there’s a decided lack of conflict. So I need more structure upfront, I think. But at the same time, I feel like Think Sideways may be too structured for me, even though it’s supposed to be designed to walk the balance between left-brain and right-brain writing. (grabs a tissue and sniffles)

There, there. Let it all out. I’d pat you on the back if I had hands.

Thanks, website. (blows nose) But that’s not the worst of it. (lowers voice to a whisper) I think my muse left me.

Oh, my. That is serious. Please know that if I had arms, I would now give you a hug.

I appreciate it, website, particularly since I’ve been so remiss with you for the past, um, mumblety-something days/weeks/months. Like I said, I have other ideas I could use for Think Sideways, but they’re overall ideas that still need more plotting. And it also sucks that I’ve lost ground with Think Sideways since my original idea isn’t panning out. Now I have to go back and repeat some lessons.

Careful; you’re starting to whine.

But if I can’t whine to you, website, whom can I whine to? Then a while ago Miss Snark’s First Victim had a post called On Writing As Career. I get her point, I truly do. And I believe it. If I want to write for my career, I have to treat it as a career now. But what with the full-time job and the CSA and the cooking and the mobility work and–well, everything, I don’t have much more time to devote to writing. Then the prep work I do doesn’t feel like it’s writing, even though I know ostensibly it’s saving me time in the long run.

(sighs) Look, Amanda, you already know the responses to your excuses and the answers to your unspoken questions. You’ve said yourself that writers write, period. You’ve said that the only way to get past writer’s block is to write through it. If you really feel the prep work from Think Sideways isn’t helping you, or that it’s not “real” writing, then take a break from that and get back to the basics. Journal. Write a scene you do have in mind. Blather on for page after page about character development.

Um, but I don’t want to wind up in the Stephanie Meyer route, with lots and lots of  “characterization” but little to no actual plot. Particularly since I already show unfortunate tendencies in that direction.

Says the unpublished writer regarding the multimillion-dollar author. You may not want to write like Stephanie Meyer, but she did manage to get published. Go thou and do likewise.

(thoughtful silence) Hey, website?

Yes?

You’re not my muse, are you?

Do you want the psychobabble/metaficition bit about me being part of your subconscious that you have consciously employed in order to write this post, or do you want to stick with the simpler “you’re weird”?

Weird’s good for writing. If you mean weird in terms of creativity, I mean.

Weird it is, then.*

Hey! I see that footnote!

Go away and write something.

*Watches tumbleweeds drift across her site*

Well, so much for my goal of updating my blog twice a week. Epic fail on my part. I should really edit my home page since it erroneously claims I post regularly. Whoops.

At any rate, here’s where I’m at in regards to writing:

My WIP from NaNo remains unfinished. The ending–or lack thereof–has me stymied. I would like to finish the story at some point, but of course then it would still need massive revising.

However. Yesterday I signed up for Holly Lisle’s How to Think Sideways course. I’m hoping it’ll help jump start the WIP, but also to really develop my idea from my ’04 NaNo. Honestly the ’04 NaNo idea is what I have the most faith in–or rather I have the most faith in the characters behind it. But it’s complicated, and I never did quite manage to get my head around the true story. Various iterations ( I should drop in the main character’s mentor figure and he should be evil; I should drop in the main character’s mentor figure and he should be a typical, kindly mentor–the main nemesis should be this organization that was upset when the world didn’t end after all;  it should be from the POV of the original main character’s daughter, and it should be twenty years later than the original setting the main character shouldn’t be a POV character and instead I should do something more like The Great Gatsby where it’s from the POV of a “secondary” character;) have cropped up, but none of them truly feels right. At least not yet.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m being very vague about this, but that’s because everything regarding this idea has become so amorphous I hate to detail much of it. Though truthfully I don’t feel I could possibly muddy the waters anymore than I already have. So yeah. Hoping Think Sideways will help.

And here’s where I’m at regarding house-hunting: House–townhome, more accurately–has been hunted and found. I made an offer and the sellers accepted. I had it inspected, and the sellers are supposed to resolve the various issues. I am currently waiting on the appraisal, which my lender is responsible for setting up. If there are no hiccups from the appraisal (i.e., no cries of “Idiot, you offered way more than that place is actually worth!) then everything should tie up nicely for me to close on April 21. It is this happy thought, and that of relocating, that prevents me from trudging outside to throw a brick through the window of my upstairs and/or downstairs neighbor when their music (DS neighbor) or stomping/altercations with 6-year-old son (US neighbor) wakes me up at 2 or 4 in the morning.

Well, that happy thought and also the knowledge that I would have to pay to repair the window. And that I don’t happen to have any bricks in my apartment. The next best thing to throw would be my tool box, but that I need that. I must take apart my build-a-couch somehow.

…particularly when they occur just in time for me to seriously consider getting in on the first-time homebuyer tax credit. Which means my writing is, sadly, taking a backseat for the moment to number crunching and researching of various loans and housing options. I do have a goal, though, to finish Disenchantment by the end of February. It could still happen.

But for now, back to budgeting.

I should probably apologize for not blogging in so long, but it’s my blog, so I don’t have to. Makes me feel all mighty and powerful in a world where my control is small and finite. Or something.

Anyway, I moderate all my comments so as to prevent the vast body of spammers from infiltrating my blog. Spambots have even tried to “comment” on the pen image on my home page. In Russian, if I recall correctly. Most I just mark as spam immediately, but occasionally some pop up and make me smile. Or furrow my brow in bewilderment. Case in point:

The author of amandahelms.com has written an excellent article. You have made your point and there is not much to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not argue with: If it is on the Internet, it must be free. If it is not free, it must be stolen at every opportunity. If it is not stolen at every opportunity, it must be remarkably inferior to something else that is duly free or stolen at every opportunity. Thanks for the info.

Yeah, this was more of a head-scratcher than smiler. It’s so convoluted that I struggle even to come up with snide commentary*. My “article” was my most recent excerpt from my NaNo project, in which I made a point about–nothing. That was the point where my brow first furrowed itself.

But of course the bulk of it is that “universal truth” bit. It’s so convoluted I’m having trouble coming up with snide commentary, other than that, no, not everything on the Internet “must be free,” IMHO. I mean, sure, it’d be nice if amazon.com would just send me free books and Blu Rays, but seeing as I’d like people to spend money on my book when I get one published, I hardly think it’s fair to exempt myself from that. Besides, there is some online content one must pay for, which I don’t have a problem with. The creators are providing a service, after all, and should be recompensed for their work.

So, spammer, though you made me pause for a moment with your somewhat more original “comment” before you wanted to link to your webpage about cheap insurance or payday loans or whatever it was, you are still trying to put spam on my blog, which I do not allow. Je ne sais quoi factor or no.

*Epic fail on my part.  I do apologize for that. And weep for my lack of wit.

Well, my regularity in posting has been slipping anyway, but I will be on hiatus from the blog until the new year. Except for marking as spam all the submitted comments in Russian I keep getting. Believe me, I have no interest in the website “macrosoft.”

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!