(*Because it sounds slightly better than “conversation with myself,” whether semi-fictional or all fictional or with no adjective whatsoever. Also, hiiii! Let’s pretend I haven’t been absent for like three months, m’kay?)

Me: Why do we talk about “media consumption”?

Cassia: [head tilt]

Me: Think about it. Media consumption, like we’re eating it.

Cassia: [maintains head tilt]

Me: But the food-consumption comparison doesn’t work, because once you eat food, it’s not like anyone else can use it.

Cassia: Bark!

Me: Okay, no. That’s gross. People don’t do that. And you shouldn’t either. Anyway, my point is, under normal circumstances, you eat food, and it’s gone. But with media, it’s not like only one person can watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. It’s not like once someone has read American Gods, no one else can. Media can be, and is meant to be, enjoyed and used by multiple people. So why the “consumption” thing? Makes us sound like ravening beasts, you know? MOAR MEDIA! [Godzilla-like stomps]

Cassia: [whine]

Me: Sorry. But yeah, media consumption. Weird, right?

Cassia: [whine]

Me: Oh. That’s your “feed me” whine, isn’t it? You don’t care about what I’m saying.

Cassia: [head tilt]

Me: [Sigh] Okay. Dinner. But this means you own me a discussion on why that Labor Day movie with Kate Winslet is so very, very problematic in terms of, you know, actual logical human behavior.

Cassia: [whinnnne]

Me: Fine. Here’s your food. Consume it just like you would media.

Cassia: [happymunchmunchcrunch]

Me: [sigh of the long-suffering]